I drink water.

My sis with the medical stuff needs me I think.

I'm going to try.

I'm great at taking care of myself.

Decent food.

A lot of good clean water.

My bro (roomie) says yesterday, 'Hey bro, you okay?'

I say ,'Ya, bro, I'm fine, just dealing with some personal stuff."

He says, "You haven't eaten much, there is some good meat and cheese I bought."

I say, "Thanks."

Make two sandwiches and eat them.

He also says, "You need water bro."

I say, "Ya, this personal stuff is a bit tuff. I should drink some water."

I pour a huge glass of water, knowing he cares and I really do need it. A lot of water.

Having not been awake much. Been in bed almost all the time thinking, sleeping.

I wake up, add to my blog.

See this huge glass of water I forgot to drink. Just got busy a bit and tired.

I'm still not thirsty anyways.

My bro catches the play, sees the water, says, "You really need water, bro."

I think of my sick friend and how I need to try to help.

So the water is old and stale.

I clean the huge glass, pour good clean water.

First time in well over two days I drank anything.

My sis might need me.

Now I drink a lot of good cold water.

I don't want it of even need it, even gag on it a bit.

But my sis needs me I think.

Did I mention I take care of myself very well and always drink a lot of really good cold clean water, daily, a lot of it, It is healthy to do so and the water here is great.

Tired... But...

I have been working 18 to 24 hours at a stretch...

Slept abour 8 hours last night after the 24 hours of work...

But...

I have just realized I have the skills and work ethic to get very, very rich over time...

Just need to focus my energy right

So ladies, take care...

In case of nuclear war, call 1-800-KedarWolf 'snicker'

I have a gf by the way....

Peace...

Laterz...

'Smile'

An example of how Religion strongly influences Science and Sexuality.

Hey,

A lot of the scientific communities believe that the Universe was created some billions of years ago in the Big Bang then has existed ever since. Part of God created the Universe and then all was.

I believe the Universe has always exist changing and evolving and will always exist changing and evolving including all in it, even us.




But the bible infers that God sat around in the Universe forever, got bored or something, then came upon a brilliant idea or just decided it was time to start the Universe.

Some say there was no time before he did so it started when he wanted to. I don't believe this can be true.

But many of the scientific communities, whether religious or not, think the Universe was some big black hole forever that exploded and the Universe started. I think in the evolution of the Universe, maybe it become a huge black hole or something, that that was what it was supposed to be, that exploded.

But I think it has always existed ever-changing and will always exist ever-changing and existed in infinite incarnations before that.

See? Because some say God started a Universe it is passed off and strongly influences science that way?



People think bible says one wife and infers to only love intimately one woman. It does say it is better for certain church elders to have one wife but I am not 100% whether it exactly says only one wife is allowed or not. If it does I would be just as unsure that it somehow never got twisted over the millennia if it does say that. The religious people and scribes have had millennia to play with the bible and how to interpret it and it does say to beware of their teachings. I'm not saying they purposely changed it to their own advantages though history is rife with religion doing just that.

But I am quite sure that from what they think it must mean and their perceptions of right and wrong rather then the truth about what is good or not it has been twisted.

They have found the Dead Sea scrolls and apparently it hasn't changed a word from Christ's time. But honestly, I believe there must be something seriously fundamentally wrong with that in itself but I'm not sure what yet.

Can archeological finds be faked to that degree? Hmmmm...

So society teaches you can only love one woman and be with one because the bible says so and influences society in this example.

I have never been able to fall in love with just one woman and stick to it. So do I not love anyone at all because the bible says only one no more or do I risk to love anyways?

I choose the second.

And if I do deny myself that intimacy, how long could I until I couldn't fight it or like some it manifests itself in ways unhealthy.

People get unhealthy fighting healthy desires, ask any shrink. Even deviant for some that is the beginning the desires weren't deviant but they thought sex was bad or wrong and denied such too long.

At he very least people get tripped out bad if they think sex is wrong, then, for example, see regular porn because they haven't had sex far too long or not in the ways they want to do it because 'good people' never do such things. Then they feel dirty and guilty and worse because they did so, after all it is bad they think. I'm not saying porn is good or not. People get hurt and worse making it and some it messes up viewing it so I wonder. But I am saying if you deny the healthy parts of your sexuality too long, it will mess you up in the long run and then become unhealthy if you think those healthy parts are wrong but when you can’t deny it any longer, you are sick and guilty and even evil. Your may not be, but society says it's wrong and bible I'm sure plays a big part in that.

I find it funny that people say God made that a part of us too and when we express it with another in a healthy way, then we are sick and evil. See???

I think he did give us that gift but it must cause him a lot of grief and worse people get messed up and hurt by it. Not like he never seen this coming but I'm sure he takes no pleasure in anyone getting hurt by that gift he gave to us and wishes we would understand it, not feel bad by it or hurt other with it as the result.

Oh, the bible is full of examples of men loving and having more then one woman with the women knowing, who knows why, but it does just have as many examples of how that causes jealousy and rivalry and worse too. I know you can't really do one without the other. But is it better I love and love others and I deal with it the best I can then to cheat, lie and hide like some do to be good and right.

They say that there is basically no marriage where one, the other or both parties have not had an affair.

You think I'm the only one that can't just love one person or they fight it, hide it, deny it then when it happens it destroys people because they fell in love with another and were not supposed to. Maybe I'm not better or worse but just more understanding of it and myself and do it in a way that's honesty and respect to do less damage and be fair about it?

Problem

Well,

Thinking is good. Understanding is better. Realizing what is going on helps to.

But...

I am a victim of myself and other people pay.

You see.

I was tripped out by sex bad all my life. And I am about as close to a virgin as man can be at my age except for two brief relationships. For example. In the last 17 years of my adult life, I had two brief relationships with women that lasted just months each time.

Before the first relationship I went ten years without sex with aanother person at all. Then two relationships with sex for a few months each, then no sex for six years until recently. Too much info I'm sure but there is a point and when I blog and reflect and read it, I evolve as you see.

But....

Other then that I denied myself all my life except a few times I had sex with a woman if I could.

All good and well but for one thing.

I thought sex was bad. Avoided it pretty much at all costs. Denied it. Supressed any need for sex with another person, self-satisfaction only. Until recently.

Even the love that comes with it. I don't do sex for the sake of sex now. But if it's about love, respect, pleasure and sharing I do now.

That's good but now that I have had a taste of such, with the love, respect, pleasure and all that I want more, much more.

So, I meet woman now or have been. We really hit it off good. It becomes beautiful and about love. I do all I can to make sure we have the rest. Except a one of them now is in a relationship and committed to it likes me alot and me her. and honestly, I don't really care. I like her, want her, it's mutual I'm sure amd about the love and respect for sure, except I realy don't respect the fact she has a guy right now and am trying to swing it so she likes me more or even just makes out with me like I want and it's getting close. We really hit it off and like each other alot and though she has given in yet I have no doubt she wants to and very likely will if I keep going with the love, flirt, I want you, you are sexy, you are really cool and incredible and I even care alot.

All that is true!!! Except she has a guy and I'm not backing off much at all if I can get away with it.

So, I deny myself this stuff all my life and even if I did have it I was tripped out by it and now I'm not.

I have a taste of how incredible it is now, I have it with a woman that can share me.

But I want more so bad I will take a woman that should not share that with me.

I'm a victim of myself and now others are paying the price or will soon very likely.

Strange, huh?

What I said about people denying those parts of themselves that are healthy in the last post and they came back at them bad so stuff like this happens is happening to me.

More musings.

Someone said recently,

"It is so sickening that religion can't be taught in schools, the liberal minded people do everything possible to make the truth not known."

Well, you know what's more troubling, is that religion says people will fry forever if they aren't good enough and the bible lays out in much detail what you need to do to be good enough, then when you aren't and no-one ever is, you feel guilty, ashamed, even bitter and judgmental and many believing these lies even not religious just don't care because they think they have nothing to lose and do bad things and worse. That is far more sickening then not teaching the 'truth'.

Maybe that god Dude had good reason to be so very p_ssed off at the religious if his day and maybe he has just as much reason to be so to the religious of today or more.

Who knows for sure.

But I do know elitism, being judgmental, even tripping people out not meaning to is very wrong.






But hey, honestly, I guess I'm just the pot calling the kettle black, but it makes me more sad then angry it happens and too much. I just wish people could see deeper into themselves and the world around them so less would get hurt, that's all.

I think, talk to that God Dude.

Hey Dude,

I'm not trying to dump my stuff on you.

But think about this.

I know a few men, likely think I am sooo smart, funny, smooth with ladies, I wish I could be like him.

But, they are rude and even abusive to a few ladies I know and it p***ses me of, so I just ignore, I don't respect that, so just don't interact with them.

But, I’m the funniest and coolest guy with everyone so smooth with the chiks, they like me a lot!!!

They muffed up, maybe wanting to be like me, maybe not.

But,

I'm good a psychology if I reflect on it. I think, they think I'm so cool, they make a few mistakes, I jump on them, never talk to them again, just ignore them whenever I see them.

After all, they are far more abusive then me.

All I know is if I thought someone was really smooth and cool, even in a nice and respectful way that I loved and respected but they were like that to everyone but me, that would kill me. I would die inside and self-destruct.

And I blame them.

So God Dude,

Maybe I'm putting my chit on you, but you say you Love me so much, you say you care for me deeply and will never let me go. Is True!!!

Except,

Maybe if I adopted a wild kid from a distance, helped him live and survive, then he came around and turned his life around, I might want to whisper in his ear a few times 'You might want to think about the little brother, people get hurt' and maybe even explain it a bit hoping they would understand.

You know, I'm just calling the kettle black and I KNOW how much you love me.

But you have never even talked me to me once. Ever. Period.

Hey, you are God who hides himself from us and is very busy. All good Father's are.

But you said one thing and did another to me and people are dying, me too.

You said to talk to your Enemies too, they need Love.

I'm your Brother and your Friend.

Something changes again.

I'm not too hungry.

Had enough water.

A few long time friends chat small talk.

I feel a bit better.

And,

I had no hope.

Never thought it would come around or could.

Now,

Something changes.

I'm being fed enough to get by.

And,

I have a glimmer of Hope and think I will make it. Hope so.

Sheesh.

Well,

I get another taste.

I start with the flirting fall in love I'm cute crap.

And,

Not cool, the hurt I cause isn't.

Thinking.