Problem

Well,

Thinking is good. Understanding is better. Realizing what is going on helps to.

But...

I am a victim of myself and other people pay.

You see.

I was tripped out by sex bad all my life. And I am about as close to a virgin as man can be at my age except for two brief relationships. For example. In the last 17 years of my adult life, I had two brief relationships with women that lasted just months each time.

Before the first relationship I went ten years without sex with aanother person at all. Then two relationships with sex for a few months each, then no sex for six years until recently. Too much info I'm sure but there is a point and when I blog and reflect and read it, I evolve as you see.

But....

Other then that I denied myself all my life except a few times I had sex with a woman if I could.

All good and well but for one thing.

I thought sex was bad. Avoided it pretty much at all costs. Denied it. Supressed any need for sex with another person, self-satisfaction only. Until recently.

Even the love that comes with it. I don't do sex for the sake of sex now. But if it's about love, respect, pleasure and sharing I do now.

That's good but now that I have had a taste of such, with the love, respect, pleasure and all that I want more, much more.

So, I meet woman now or have been. We really hit it off good. It becomes beautiful and about love. I do all I can to make sure we have the rest. Except a one of them now is in a relationship and committed to it likes me alot and me her. and honestly, I don't really care. I like her, want her, it's mutual I'm sure amd about the love and respect for sure, except I realy don't respect the fact she has a guy right now and am trying to swing it so she likes me more or even just makes out with me like I want and it's getting close. We really hit it off and like each other alot and though she has given in yet I have no doubt she wants to and very likely will if I keep going with the love, flirt, I want you, you are sexy, you are really cool and incredible and I even care alot.

All that is true!!! Except she has a guy and I'm not backing off much at all if I can get away with it.

So, I deny myself this stuff all my life and even if I did have it I was tripped out by it and now I'm not.

I have a taste of how incredible it is now, I have it with a woman that can share me.

But I want more so bad I will take a woman that should not share that with me.

I'm a victim of myself and now others are paying the price or will soon very likely.

Strange, huh?

What I said about people denying those parts of themselves that are healthy in the last post and they came back at them bad so stuff like this happens is happening to me.