It's tuff

I don’t know how to explain this.

I don't even think I should admit it.

I'm not suicidal or am going to take my life.

But I honestly think the only thing that is keeping me alive is I promised to help my friend with unknown medical problems that are getting so bad I wonder if she will live too.

You know.

I know she is so alone too, has no-one who loves her and is falling in love with me.

I care for her very much. I think that she is not loved she is dying too.

Sometimes that loneliness and pain can be so bad that you just give up and die.

Without taking your own life.

I know, it was happening to me.

But.

I do care.

I drink water.

My sis with the medical stuff needs me I think.

I'm going to try.

I'm great at taking care of myself.

Decent food.

A lot of good clean water.

My bro (roomie) says yesterday, 'Hey bro, you okay?'

I say ,'Ya, bro, I'm fine, just dealing with some personal stuff."

He says, "You haven't eaten much, there is some good meat and cheese I bought."

I say, "Thanks."

Make two sandwiches and eat them.

He also says, "You need water bro."

I say, "Ya, this personal stuff is a bit tuff. I should drink some water."

I pour a huge glass of water, knowing he cares and I really do need it. A lot of water.

Having not been awake much. Been in bed almost all the time thinking, sleeping.

I wake up, add to my blog.

See this huge glass of water I forgot to drink. Just got busy a bit and tired.

I'm still not thirsty anyways.

My bro catches the play, sees the water, says, "You really need water, bro."

I think of my sick friend and how I need to try to help.

So the water is old and stale.

I clean the huge glass, pour good clean water.

First time in well over two days I drank anything.

My sis might need me.

Now I drink a lot of good cold water.

I don't want it of even need it, even gag on it a bit.

But my sis needs me I think.

Did I mention I take care of myself very well and always drink a lot of really good cold clean water, daily, a lot of it, It is healthy to do so and the water here is great.

Tired... But...

I have been working 18 to 24 hours at a stretch...

Slept abour 8 hours last night after the 24 hours of work...

But...

I have just realized I have the skills and work ethic to get very, very rich over time...

Just need to focus my energy right

So ladies, take care...

In case of nuclear war, call 1-800-KedarWolf 'snicker'

I have a gf by the way....

Peace...

Laterz...

'Smile'

An example of how Religion strongly influences Science and Sexuality.

Hey,

A lot of the scientific communities believe that the Universe was created some billions of years ago in the Big Bang then has existed ever since. Part of God created the Universe and then all was.

I believe the Universe has always exist changing and evolving and will always exist changing and evolving including all in it, even us.




But the bible infers that God sat around in the Universe forever, got bored or something, then came upon a brilliant idea or just decided it was time to start the Universe.

Some say there was no time before he did so it started when he wanted to. I don't believe this can be true.

But many of the scientific communities, whether religious or not, think the Universe was some big black hole forever that exploded and the Universe started. I think in the evolution of the Universe, maybe it become a huge black hole or something, that that was what it was supposed to be, that exploded.

But I think it has always existed ever-changing and will always exist ever-changing and existed in infinite incarnations before that.

See? Because some say God started a Universe it is passed off and strongly influences science that way?



People think bible says one wife and infers to only love intimately one woman. It does say it is better for certain church elders to have one wife but I am not 100% whether it exactly says only one wife is allowed or not. If it does I would be just as unsure that it somehow never got twisted over the millennia if it does say that. The religious people and scribes have had millennia to play with the bible and how to interpret it and it does say to beware of their teachings. I'm not saying they purposely changed it to their own advantages though history is rife with religion doing just that.

But I am quite sure that from what they think it must mean and their perceptions of right and wrong rather then the truth about what is good or not it has been twisted.

They have found the Dead Sea scrolls and apparently it hasn't changed a word from Christ's time. But honestly, I believe there must be something seriously fundamentally wrong with that in itself but I'm not sure what yet.

Can archeological finds be faked to that degree? Hmmmm...

So society teaches you can only love one woman and be with one because the bible says so and influences society in this example.

I have never been able to fall in love with just one woman and stick to it. So do I not love anyone at all because the bible says only one no more or do I risk to love anyways?

I choose the second.

And if I do deny myself that intimacy, how long could I until I couldn't fight it or like some it manifests itself in ways unhealthy.

People get unhealthy fighting healthy desires, ask any shrink. Even deviant for some that is the beginning the desires weren't deviant but they thought sex was bad or wrong and denied such too long.

At he very least people get tripped out bad if they think sex is wrong, then, for example, see regular porn because they haven't had sex far too long or not in the ways they want to do it because 'good people' never do such things. Then they feel dirty and guilty and worse because they did so, after all it is bad they think. I'm not saying porn is good or not. People get hurt and worse making it and some it messes up viewing it so I wonder. But I am saying if you deny the healthy parts of your sexuality too long, it will mess you up in the long run and then become unhealthy if you think those healthy parts are wrong but when you can’t deny it any longer, you are sick and guilty and even evil. Your may not be, but society says it's wrong and bible I'm sure plays a big part in that.

I find it funny that people say God made that a part of us too and when we express it with another in a healthy way, then we are sick and evil. See???

I think he did give us that gift but it must cause him a lot of grief and worse people get messed up and hurt by it. Not like he never seen this coming but I'm sure he takes no pleasure in anyone getting hurt by that gift he gave to us and wishes we would understand it, not feel bad by it or hurt other with it as the result.

Oh, the bible is full of examples of men loving and having more then one woman with the women knowing, who knows why, but it does just have as many examples of how that causes jealousy and rivalry and worse too. I know you can't really do one without the other. But is it better I love and love others and I deal with it the best I can then to cheat, lie and hide like some do to be good and right.

They say that there is basically no marriage where one, the other or both parties have not had an affair.

You think I'm the only one that can't just love one person or they fight it, hide it, deny it then when it happens it destroys people because they fell in love with another and were not supposed to. Maybe I'm not better or worse but just more understanding of it and myself and do it in a way that's honesty and respect to do less damage and be fair about it?

Problem

Well,

Thinking is good. Understanding is better. Realizing what is going on helps to.

But...

I am a victim of myself and other people pay.

You see.

I was tripped out by sex bad all my life. And I am about as close to a virgin as man can be at my age except for two brief relationships. For example. In the last 17 years of my adult life, I had two brief relationships with women that lasted just months each time.

Before the first relationship I went ten years without sex with aanother person at all. Then two relationships with sex for a few months each, then no sex for six years until recently. Too much info I'm sure but there is a point and when I blog and reflect and read it, I evolve as you see.

But....

Other then that I denied myself all my life except a few times I had sex with a woman if I could.

All good and well but for one thing.

I thought sex was bad. Avoided it pretty much at all costs. Denied it. Supressed any need for sex with another person, self-satisfaction only. Until recently.

Even the love that comes with it. I don't do sex for the sake of sex now. But if it's about love, respect, pleasure and sharing I do now.

That's good but now that I have had a taste of such, with the love, respect, pleasure and all that I want more, much more.

So, I meet woman now or have been. We really hit it off good. It becomes beautiful and about love. I do all I can to make sure we have the rest. Except a one of them now is in a relationship and committed to it likes me alot and me her. and honestly, I don't really care. I like her, want her, it's mutual I'm sure amd about the love and respect for sure, except I realy don't respect the fact she has a guy right now and am trying to swing it so she likes me more or even just makes out with me like I want and it's getting close. We really hit it off and like each other alot and though she has given in yet I have no doubt she wants to and very likely will if I keep going with the love, flirt, I want you, you are sexy, you are really cool and incredible and I even care alot.

All that is true!!! Except she has a guy and I'm not backing off much at all if I can get away with it.

So, I deny myself this stuff all my life and even if I did have it I was tripped out by it and now I'm not.

I have a taste of how incredible it is now, I have it with a woman that can share me.

But I want more so bad I will take a woman that should not share that with me.

I'm a victim of myself and now others are paying the price or will soon very likely.

Strange, huh?

What I said about people denying those parts of themselves that are healthy in the last post and they came back at them bad so stuff like this happens is happening to me.

More musings.

Someone said recently,

"It is so sickening that religion can't be taught in schools, the liberal minded people do everything possible to make the truth not known."

Well, you know what's more troubling, is that religion says people will fry forever if they aren't good enough and the bible lays out in much detail what you need to do to be good enough, then when you aren't and no-one ever is, you feel guilty, ashamed, even bitter and judgmental and many believing these lies even not religious just don't care because they think they have nothing to lose and do bad things and worse. That is far more sickening then not teaching the 'truth'.

Maybe that god Dude had good reason to be so very p_ssed off at the religious if his day and maybe he has just as much reason to be so to the religious of today or more.

Who knows for sure.

But I do know elitism, being judgmental, even tripping people out not meaning to is very wrong.






But hey, honestly, I guess I'm just the pot calling the kettle black, but it makes me more sad then angry it happens and too much. I just wish people could see deeper into themselves and the world around them so less would get hurt, that's all.

I think, talk to that God Dude.

Hey Dude,

I'm not trying to dump my stuff on you.

But think about this.

I know a few men, likely think I am sooo smart, funny, smooth with ladies, I wish I could be like him.

But, they are rude and even abusive to a few ladies I know and it p***ses me of, so I just ignore, I don't respect that, so just don't interact with them.

But, I’m the funniest and coolest guy with everyone so smooth with the chiks, they like me a lot!!!

They muffed up, maybe wanting to be like me, maybe not.

But,

I'm good a psychology if I reflect on it. I think, they think I'm so cool, they make a few mistakes, I jump on them, never talk to them again, just ignore them whenever I see them.

After all, they are far more abusive then me.

All I know is if I thought someone was really smooth and cool, even in a nice and respectful way that I loved and respected but they were like that to everyone but me, that would kill me. I would die inside and self-destruct.

And I blame them.

So God Dude,

Maybe I'm putting my chit on you, but you say you Love me so much, you say you care for me deeply and will never let me go. Is True!!!

Except,

Maybe if I adopted a wild kid from a distance, helped him live and survive, then he came around and turned his life around, I might want to whisper in his ear a few times 'You might want to think about the little brother, people get hurt' and maybe even explain it a bit hoping they would understand.

You know, I'm just calling the kettle black and I KNOW how much you love me.

But you have never even talked me to me once. Ever. Period.

Hey, you are God who hides himself from us and is very busy. All good Father's are.

But you said one thing and did another to me and people are dying, me too.

You said to talk to your Enemies too, they need Love.

I'm your Brother and your Friend.

Something changes again.

I'm not too hungry.

Had enough water.

A few long time friends chat small talk.

I feel a bit better.

And,

I had no hope.

Never thought it would come around or could.

Now,

Something changes.

I'm being fed enough to get by.

And,

I have a glimmer of Hope and think I will make it. Hope so.

Sheesh.

Well,

I get another taste.

I start with the flirting fall in love I'm cute crap.

And,

Not cool, the hurt I cause isn't.

Thinking.

I need to take care.

My friend,

The sick one.

Who loves me now.

Can I love her back.

Even if I can, will it be as she needs?

And if I do, what about the others or anyone else I might love or needs love and I can help like I have?

Could she deal with that.

The others couldn't.

There will be more like her.

I'm stuck.

Now.

A day later I add to this.

I talk to her and feel Love for her now.

Not just care and respect. Love.

I need to be careful I see.

I have hurt people way too much but at least I have never and still don't flirt with her.

Hey

Hey,

Anyone can add there comments now. I changed that option.

If you want to comment on any post you will figure out how I'm sure.

Peace in advance.

Funny thing,

I have absolutely no idea why, nothing has changed at all.

But I'm feeling better, getting my appetite back, not in bed all the time or as much.

Have no idea why or what, just something has changed.

Maybe.

I have Hope.

I think and feel i might be okay.

A bit better.

Maybe.

I have Hope I will.

I hope.

We will see.

Hey again.

I don't feel good.

I'm off to do emergency PC work overnight for a friend.

I'll tell the story about them and stuff later, not about tonight, but stuff like that.

I hope someone listens to me.

In the last few months online, in IM and in IRC chat not one person has discussed any of this with me, even my 'Life Is War'

In an American political room I've been talking about his stuff for months.

American politics are changing the world drastically now.

I had the one discussion in months on this stuff.

It is all about Love, Social Justice and helping people.

For about six months I have talked about this stuff and worked on it now real hard.

One blog comment.

'Keep thinking about things"




You think anyone might want to talk about it to each other if not me?

This is what I see in the political room I go too.


There a good Dems and good Repubs and bad Dems and bad Repubs!

But if you are a Dem and not a Repub, all Repubs are stupid and no good.


And that's all they talk about anymore in a nice kind way.

And stuff like that.

How can I explain this any clearer?

Does anyone care about these issues I talk about?

Anyone?

Some deep stuff found in my blog in my reflections.

Do you have any deep stuff that we can help each other learn?


I've hinted for months

even said I want to talk about it.

Maybe if I ask or try to talk more aboutt his stuff, take the inititive, pople will discuss it instead of waiting to ask.


Talking is good, understanding is great, but maybe put a bit of effort into to it and do something or least discuss it like you would if you could!

Maybe others listening might learn and do something.

'sigh'

Someone prayed with me an asked me to take care to how i express myself and I will.

So I deleted some stuff.. And will change more soon.

Bu I feel neglected and abused about this and I handling it bad.

My issues, I'm sorry.

So, pray, I will to and my apologies and ty for being patient.

I'm a work in progress but I feel I do need more help i feel I am not getting right now and I handled it bad.

Anyone worried, just watch and be patient and see if I come around.

I have faith and am loved and I am sure i will.

This post is the start of my new blog.

A few have the original maybe but it will be changed a lot from top to bottom over the next while.

Drove me crazy it seemed no-once cared enough to talk about this stuff.

You see, with a bit of prayer and help I'm coming around.

'yaawwwwn'

Working hard...

Tired...

But someday I expect the results to be much more then I even imagined they could...

Such is life... 'smile'

Working out...

Losing weight..

So..

bbl...

Another conversation word for word with 'myfriend'

[07:03] KedarWolf: k...
[07:04] KedarWolf: but wounds take time to heal...
[07:04] myfriend: it’s complicated....
[07:04] KedarWolf: and when they do, they become part of a person character, not detrimental... if we take care to take care of the hurt given and caused...
[07:04] KedarWolf: all I know is...
[07:05] KedarWolf: I have scars from a lifetime of battles this way...
[07:05] KedarWolf: and if I take great care to take care to myself as a person wounded, and know that others are hurt too, then they heal...
[07:05] KedarWolf: and if I act in love to any and all who cross my past...
[07:06] KedarWolf: and if I act in love to any and all who cross my path...
[07:06] KedarWolf: no matter how hurt I am...
[07:06] KedarWolf: I heal and help them heal too...
[07:06] KedarWolf: like my roomies....
[07:06] KedarWolf: over and over they caused me much pain and grief...
[07:06] KedarWolf: and I knew they didn’t understand me well...
[07:06] KedarWolf: very different backgrounds..

Note: The adjustment for me living with two others, a man and a woman, stricting plutonic was very hard for them too, i dont come from a pristine background at all and have, well, had, very little skills for spltting a three bedroom apartment with a man and a woman, so they were more then patient with me... all around.... and now i turn it around very much so... so, works both ways i'm sure... my less then 'pristine' background is a story for another day...

Second Note: I am not a crook!!!!! (Well, my lawyer tells me to deny everything, makes the trials much easier...) 'snicker'
[07:07] myfriend: we were getting too close, we both knew that...so I think we both kind of put a stop to it
[07:07] KedarWolf: so I understood this...
[07:07] KedarWolf: and...
[07:07] KedarWolf: no matter how wounded I was...
[07:07] KedarWolf: I honored and respected them both always...
[07:07] KedarWolf: just secretly...
[07:07] KedarWolf: be kind as I could...
[07:07] KedarWolf: doing my best to be an example these ways...
[07:08] KedarWolf: and all I know is what should never have happened in my life is happening now and more...
[07:08] KedarWolf: that love is the key...
[07:08] KedarWolf: lesson I’m learning..
[07:08] KedarWolf: and if I mess up and I do...
[07:08] myfriend: the key???
[07:08] KedarWolf: make amends...
[07:09] KedarWolf: show I respect them and care always...
[07:09] KedarWolf: always try to act in ways that show love and care even if it costs or hurts...
[07:09] KedarWolf: and now I start to heal and they do too...
[07:09] KedarWolf: and help me heal cuz they begin to have compassion for me...
[07:10] KedarWolf: the key is simply this...
[07:10] KedarWolf: so simple...
[07:10] KedarWolf: in your life....
[07:10] KedarWolf: all who come into your life or cross your path...
[07:10] KedarWolf: is treat all with love, honor and respect.....
[07:11] KedarWolf: no matter how they treat you....
[07:11] KedarWolf: but not just act as you care...
[07:11] myfriend: I was going with the metaphor from your blog
[07:11] KedarWolf: but remember they are hurt and wounded too...
[07:11] KedarWolf: and they need to heal...
[07:11] KedarWolf: so have compassion and act on it always...
[07:11] myfriend: and now I must get some sleep
[07:11] KedarWolf: it's not enough to just care...
[07:12] KedarWolf: I do many things without telling anyone why...
[07:12] myfriend: the coffee worked and I am tired now...
[07:12] KedarWolf: just in my heart I know it is a caring thing to do and will help...
[07:12] KedarWolf: so secretly, I do those things, openly too..
[07:13] KedarWolf: and I do what they ask and need me too...
[07:13] KedarWolf: even if I don’t agree...
[07:13] KedarWolf: just to respect them and how they feel...
[07:13] KedarWolf: even if it hurts and costs me a lot...
[07:13] KedarWolf: and I heal for acting in love always... even if they are wrong...
[07:14] KedarWolf: and they feel I respect them..
[07:14] KedarWolf: and begin to respect me in return...
[07:14] KedarWolf: love heals and brings love....
[07:14] KedarWolf: this I know in my life...
[07:14] KedarWolf: I’m done until another day... :)
[07:15] KedarWolf: 'smile'
[07:17] *** Disconnected ***
*** Log file closed: 02/06/2005 07:17:12

My Cage Revisited

I awake.
My cage door is swung open.
I go to leave, free.
She is gone.
I see the trail is cold, she kept the key. I think, reason. Much safer to stay.
Why love when love can't be found.

So,

I pull the door shut with my teeth, it hurts.
The cage door snaps shut. Safe again. She won't be back the way we need.
I rest.
Waiting for Eternity to finish again. Life is cruel but I have a choice.

I chose.

Thank you for giving that to me.

In My Thoughts...

I think of someone from my past.

I cannot see her or be with her, but one night, almost against my will, she took me.

But being from different generations, I cannot be with her any more.

Still, I hear her, a small passionate voice in my mind, I think of her often.

I have told many that I had lost the one meant for me forever.
I was wrong. My soulmate found me, took me, and I walked away.

So, I have lost what I was never supposed to have. She is kind, compassionate, caring, loving and I long for her still.

Now, because of the differences in our age, I keep away. Still, her voice I hear in my mind, hurt, alone, loving and caring.

Maybe I am just crazy, maybe I just ponder her too much.

But now I have lost the one I can love the most, so I cling to my fantasies.

One night, over a year ago, she seduced me, then I left.

I think of the taste of love I received from her, it has made me whole but I long for more.

Maybe in another day and age I can be with her, the woman I love, that I thought I had lost eternally.

Until then I just carry her in my heart as love can.

Peace to you and yours,

Kedar.

The Waitings

The Waitings


I looked, blinded, I saw her.
I waited, she never came,
So, I left.

Not expecting, she touched me from afar.
We feasted and wedded,
Until we saw no more.
The Goddess,
Myself,
Blinded.

She waits,
Not knowing,
Not seeing.

I move on,

Forever

I'm waiting,
The waitings.

A Lost Life (Hope)

Today I worked at a job where I had to clean an apartment full of belongings that had been abandoned by the guy that lived there.
I never thought much about it, basically just 'sh*t happens' that the guy had some trouble.

While cleaning out the guys bedroom, I found cards from his mother saying that he was the best son ever and pictures that he had taken of various events in the city. He had a few PCs including a Mac and lots of software for it.
It all went in the trash.

While cleaning the bedroom and finding the pictures, letters from his mother and school work he was doing, a deep sadness and regret came over me.
This was a man who was loved, who sought to better himself, and according to rumor he went crazy and no-one really knew where he was now.
His belongings and those years of his life are forever gone from him.

So,

I don't know what to say other then life is hard and cruel to many. Many get lost in the system, sometimes through their own fault and sometimes through chance and circumstance.

Many times in my life I've lost all. Only to endure tough times, hardship, pain and more, but always landing on my feet again when I worked things out.
I have a most beautiful sister that through all the trouble and turmoil in my life, she never gave up on me.
Now she is key in me rebuilding my life and securing a future where I can walk proud and strong.

I'm loved and I need to be loved.

I guess even love can't stop the bad form happening at times, and we need hope and patience.

I hope and pray this young man will find all that he has lost in spirit and truth.

P.S. I forgot to put this in but I saw a picture of what I believe was him in bed, someone waking him up by taking his picture. It was sad somehow but it's said 'A good man may fall down seven times, but each time he gets back up on his feet again..'

Hope... :)

I believe...

I believe that love conquers all, heals and covers many wrongs..

I believe in peace... I believe we need peace in our hearts...

I believe in second, third and even fourth chances...

I believe by forgiving we find forgiveness...

I believe that no-one suffers forever, though there is much suffering in the afterlife, it's just the Creator cleansing us in order to bring us into his love...

I believe that we all love to some degree, and that all need to be loved and respected no matter our religion, beliefs, race and backgrounds...

I believe the Creator is angry that we hurt others as we do far too much, but I believe much more that he is grieved and hurt we lose sight of such things so fast...

I believe that the Universe has always existed always changing, and will always exist ever changing, including all in it, even us....

I believe I need to try to understand your truths and what you believe or I may lose sight of important truths by closing my mind to them..

I believe that love guides us and adds compassion to what we share, see and do...

I believe the more I get to know you with your quirks and shortcomings, the greater I see inside and come to love you..

I believe grief and sadness is healing, for after the rain comes Light and joy...

I believe you have the right to see, perceive and believe as you do, even if I disagree....

These things are what I believe, may Love and Light come your way and keep you safe through the darkened times coming our way...

With compassion...

Kedar.

Everlast 'What It's Like' Lyrics

This song changed the way I think about some important issues like abortion.

Hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

I'll post a link to the YouTube video after the lyrics.

Everlast 'What It's Like'

We've all seen a man at the liquor store beggin' for your change
The hair on his face is dirty, dread-locked, and full of mange
He asks a man for what he could spare, with shame in his eyes
"Get a job you fucking slob," is all he replies
God forbid you ever had to walk a mile in his shoes'Cause then you really might know what it's like to sing the blues

Then you really might know what it's like...
Then you really might know what it's like...
Then you really might know what it's like...
Then you really might know what it's like...

Mary got pregnant from a kid named Tom that said he was in love
He said, "Don't worry about a thing, baby doll
I'm the man you've been dreaming of."
But 3 months later he say he won't date her or return her calls
And she swear, "God damn, if I find that man I'm cuttin' off his balls."
And then she heads for the clinic and
she gets some static walking through the door
They call her a killer, and they call her a sinner
and they call her a whore
God forbid you ever had to walk a mile in her shoes
'Cause then you really might know what it's like to have to choose

Then you really might know what it's like...

I've seen a rich man beg
I've seen a good man sin
I've seen a tough man cry
I've seen a loser win
And a sad man grin
I heard an honest man lie
I've seen the good side of bad
And the downside of up
And everything between
I licked the silver spoon
Drank from the golden cup
And smoked the finest green
I stroked the fattest dimes at least a couple of times
before i broke their heart
You know where it ends, yo, it usually depends on where you start

I knew this kid named Max
who used to get fat stacks out on the corner with drugs
He liked to hang out late
he liked to get shit-faced and keep the pace with thugs
Until late one night there was a big old fight and Max lost his head
He pulled out his chrome .45, talked some shit, and wound up dead
Now his wife and his kids are caught in the midst of all of this pain
You know it comes that way
at least that's what they say when you play the game
God forbid you ever had to wake up to hear the news
'Cause then you really might know what it's like to have to lose

Then you really might know what it's like...
Then you really might know what it's like...
Then you really might know what it's like...to have to lose

What I Believe Religion Was Meant To Be.

'Love all, honor all, respect all and care for all. In all you live, say and do, do accordingly.'

I think if you could sum up what religion was meant to be at it's very core, this is what it would be.

Peace to you and yours,

Kedar :)